World

Trump Rage-Bitching About James Comey Again, Because ‘Fox & Friends’ Told Him To


Trump’s face when he watches “Fox & Friends”

Donald Trump awakened Monday morning and started his week the same way all previous American presidents did, by rage-bitching on Twitter about the FBI director he fired for having the audacity to keep investigating his campaign, even after Trump tried to obstruct/kill that investigation:

OMG HEATHER IS IT LIKE SO ILLEGAL? LIKE HOW ILLEGAL IS IT? Are we talking like “Taylor ran a red light in her new BMW” illegal, or more like “the Trump campaign may have colluded with an enemy nation called Russia to steal the 2016 election” illegal?

First of all, like most thoughts that originate in Trump’s anal canal and then somehow find their way into his brain, this is a lie. Comey did not leak classified information to the media. Comey leaked a memo to his friend and asked him to give it to a reporter. It is a memo we all know about, and there was nothing classified in it. Comey wrote many other memos about his encounters with President PussGrab, a few of which contained secret or classified information. He has turned all of those over to special counsel Robert Mueller. Comey explained this during his testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee. In fact, moron GOP Senator Roy Blunt asked Comey for clarification on that very point, and he gave it. ALSO TOO, in fact, Comey had an interesting exchange with Democratic Senator Mark Warner, vice chair of the committee, where he explained that he specifically wrote the memo we all know about, where he describes the Oval Office meeting wherein Trump tried to obstruct justice by the pussy and get the FBI to stop investigating Michael Flynn, in such a way as to make sure it DID NOT have classified information in it. That way, he could share it if it became necessary. (SPOILER: It became necessary.)

Since this is all well-established fact at this point, why is FuckPuddle McOrange tweeting about it right now, besides maybe to distract everyone from how his son, FuckPuddle Junior, is under fire for trying to do ACTUAL COLLUSION with Russia? Oh just the usual. Trump was watching “Fox & Friends” in his ketchup-stained nightgown and they did a BIG EXCLUSIVE BULLSHIT BOMBSHELL REPORT on how Comey allegedly leaked classified information to his BFF, and thus, “broke the rules”:

That grammar champion tweet and the “Fox & Friends” report it links to rely on an article in The Hill, written by wingnut John Solomon of wingnut Sinclair Broadcasting, under the headline, “Comey’s private memos on Trump conversations contained classified material.” Now, pay close attention, astute readers, because we need you to compare what Fox News said with that headline and figure out if they are the same. TIME’S UP, YOU WIN! They don’t remotely say the same thing, as any person with a rudimentary grasp of the English language can see. (Of course, this excludes most Fox News viewers and the barely elected president of the United States.)

A careful reading of Solomon’s journalistic tour de force reveals a wingnut seemingly intentionally jumping back and forth between the non-breaking news that some of Comey’s memos had classified information in them and the non-new information that he shared one un-classified memo with his pal, to be leaked to the New York Times. We imagine he’s hoping you’re not that good at reading, just like the American president and the “Fox & Friends” couch of marginally sentient dildos. And Kellyanne Conway, who said Monday morning that this is the REAL story everybody should be talking about right now.

Specifically, out of seven Comey memos, four were classified to one degree or another. Guess which memos we haven’t read? Those. Which one do we know all about? One of the ones that had no classified information in it, because Comey specifically wrote it up that way.

We always knew — FROM THE VERY FUCKING BEGINNING — that some of Comey’s memos had secret or classified information in them, and why did we know? Because Comey testified about it! That’s why those exchanges with Roy Blunt and Mark Warner happened! See above!

So what are we talking about here? Fucking nothing. How much of fucking nothing? The original Hill report, by the Sinclair wingnut, had exactly two tags on it, and one of them was “Hillary Clinton.” Not even James Comey showed up in the tags, because this story wasn’t actually about James Comey, it was about changing the subject.

Oh, and by the way, Comey pal Benjamin Wittes has some thoughts about Trump’s tweet. You should read them, because he is smart.

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