Bad News 1-Liners 03/11

Every week I write 1 liners for my comedy show in the basement of a karaoke bar. And then I put them here in case I am murdered.

First three jokes written by the one and only Kevin Froleiks.

  • A man in Russia found 54 human hands in the snow this week. Or as 54 severed hands are known in Russia “a round of applause”
  • A woman who gouged her eyes out while high on meth has said she is ready to share her story. Says this anchor: “… I think I got it.”
  • NASA reports they have spotted a Jupiter cyclone that looks like a delicious pepperoni pizza. If that sounds unscientific to you, NASA also started calling Saturn “that onion ring looking motherfucker.”
  • Police in the United Arab Emirates have arrested a ‘sorcerer’ for selling incense to a woman for 8000 dollars. Critics of the United Arab Emirates have pointed out that sorcerers are not real and they are literally rounding up gay people.
  • Shaq released balloons with $500.00 tied to the ends over Atlanta for his birthday. Shaq will also do this any day so long as you first address him as Kazaam.
  • Residents report hearing thunder inside of a snowstorm in Brooklyn last Wednesday. Or as New Yorker’s call it “a cold pie, wit noise toppings. Today, pal!”
  • Police are investigating a car crash that killed a zebra near the grounds of an ostrich festival in a suburb of Phoenix. Headliners of the ostrich festival include: Ostrich Astley, Little Ostrichard, Portugal the Ostrich, Ostrich Homie Kwan, Ostrich Ross, Ostrico Suave, Jamirostrichquai, The Actor Ostrichard Gear From The Movie “Pretty Ostrich”, and Eminem.

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