Life

The New LaGuardia Airport Robot Is A Perv: Gothamist

The NY Post has a delightful nonsense story today about that now-ubiquitous LaGuardia Airport security robot who roams Terminal B—you know, the one who looks like the result of a passionate night in Queens between R2D2 and a Dalek.

In a story stretch that would impress even Reed Richards, the three authors of the Post article claim that the Knightscope K5 bot is “creeping out women while the crooks look on and laugh.” The report cites one female security guard who calls the bot “a pain in the ass”—and seems to be under the impression her male colleagues hijacked the bot to “get a better look” at her—and others who were reportedly “irked when the machine rolled up and ogled them.” And that doesn’t even cover the jolly criminals who sit around sipping Prosecco and toasting to the many crimes they are getting away with while the robot distracts security… by leering at human women?

The 300-pound bot’s only job in this testing phase is to leisurely roam the terminal gathering information via its four cameras, microphones and sensors. It’s meant to assist with security, traffic flow and environmental monitoring. There is a wealth of issues there that could be concerning to passengers around identity and personal information safety. But why do these accusations of robot-on-human crime fall so flat? Because the bot is operated self-sufficiently. There are no men secretly controlling its movements when it is in the field. And even if there were, the blame would fall on the human workers, not the innocent bot whose only purpose in life is to act as a slightly more sophisticated Roomba.

But maybe the bot isn’t so innocent after all. Maybe it is the first step in a nefarious plan to collect data and eventually preserve DNA from unwitting humans in order to one day clone them for rich people’s amusement (or maybe I’ve been watching too much Westworld). They are clearly already doing a good job of lulling some humans into trusting them.

Thankfully, not everyone has fallen for the robot perv’s charm:

I mean, as long as it doesn’t have any automatic weapons attached to it, it can’t be that bad, right?

Maybe it just wants to find friendship with humans:

Wrong. So wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong. Because there is one thing that the bot craves more than data: toddler blood.

So whatever you do, do not allow your child to come in contact with the rust bucket, or else it will either capture their DNA for later use, drink your child’s blood, or sexually harass them.




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