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We Are Contractually Obligated To Blog About This Viral Video Of A Subway Rat Carrying A Coffee Cup

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I have something to admit. This is really hard for me, you guys. But I have to speak my truth: I love Coffee Rat. #CoffeeRat is all of us, right? Only in New York, right? But I just feel like he/she IS me. I’m always scurrying to catch my train in the morning with a big ol’ cup of brew clutched in my disease paws, that is SO me.

Everyone needs their morning fix, amirite? That’s Coffee Rat! Life is a rat race…when you’re running to get your mud! Don’t talk to me before my cuppa joe, rat king! I know it sounds crazy, but I just feel like if I woke up tomorrow in some Kafkaesque nightmare, I’d definitely be a rat who needs his coffee. Rats, they’re just like us—always eating garbage and complaining about Mondays and spreading leptospirosis.

“I thought of pizza rat and thought this is so much better,” Melissa Walker, who took the video of my personal hero Coffee Rat at the Franklin Avenue station yesterday, told the NY Post. That’s because Pizza Rat is a fucking loser who means shit to me.

You guys, we have to protect Coffee Rat. Move over pole dancing rat, there’s a new rat I overly identify with in town! I would literally die for you Coffee Rat. Weekends, coffee and my rat. I’m a nightmare rat before my coffee. I like my coffee hot (just like my rat husband). I am NOT responsible for anything I say or bite before coffee. No coffee, no virality, just rabies. Only in New York, baby!

Update: we have been given permission to embed this important rat content. Hooray for third party licensing services! All is well and nothing is screwed up about how we monetize the Internet!





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